I love quality scary movies. I love the psychological horrors that make you think for days after. (Snowpiercer is latest one that comes to mind.) Terrors that are layered and stylized and beautiful: always enjoyable.

They are like the meat and veggies of my horror diet.

But sometimes we just want junk food, guys. Sometimes we don’t want a carrot, we want a Snickers. We want empty calories that make us smile and sigh… calories that are almost always followed by an unladylike belch and a tad of self-loathing. And that’s where the SyFy Channel comes in.

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I love this channel. This channel (followed closely by the Chiller network) is my go-to for guilty pleasure viewing. At least several times a year they come out with balls-to-the-wall movies with high body counts and grin-inducing special effects. It’s not uncommon for heads to explode. Or for people to eaten by a big beast which is then eaten by a bigger beast. The SyFy Channel does all it can to keep adrenaline-fused peril fresh and fun! Word to your mother! (Look out! There is a giant three-headed CrocoLemur chasing your mother!)

So without further ado, here are my top 5 SyFy channel original movies.

5- Sharknado

sharknado

This movie (along with its sequel) has caused the the craziest social media frenzy. People love this movie. Flying sharks, chainsaw sharks, sharks with impenetrable body armor (you can use that idea for the next one, writers) — people are obsessed with this movie. Sharknado made it okay for viewers to “embrace the cheese”. It made ridiculous guilty pleasure movies not only okay, but braggable, awesome, and live-tweet worthy.

 

4- Ghost Storm

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This movie calls upon the old adage: take a pee on an old gravestone in an electrical storm, expect to die a horrible death.¬†It plays up the angle of the small town, where people will go investigate a sinister site one by one (no safety in numbers here… we don’t got enough people in this here town for that!). One cop dies one way. Second cop comes out to see what happened to the first cop, dies another way. And so on. The source of the evil is a mysterious gas leaking out of a tombstone, a gas which is actually the spirits of some angry people who died for a reason I’ve forgotten. The reason isn’t important anyway. It never is.

 

3- Mega Python v/s Gatoroid

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Two words, guys: Debbie Gibson and Tiffani. Okay, that’s four words. But it’s two names. Names of the two women I pretty much wanted to be when I was 10 years old. This movie answers the question “Where do 80’s pop princesses go when they grow up?” The answer is “TO MAKE AMAZING MOVIES WITH FICTITIOUS REPTILES”, obvs. There is action, there are girl-on-girl smackdowns, there is MILF cleavage and botox. Am I selling this? It’s better (or worse) than I’m making it sound, really.

 

2- Zombie Apocalypse

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I anticipated the premier of this movie like others did for Sharknado 2. In this movie, zombie heads explode into thin air. It’s a scientific marvel, really. The body count in this movie is staggering, but most of the bodies were dead anyway… if that makes any sense. And there’s a fun surprise at the end where Ving Rhames squares off with giant zombie sabertooth tiger looking thing. It’s bonkers. Also it’s not a surprise anymore because I just told you.

 

1- Alice

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This was a SyFy mini-series. While I’ve had some fun snark to add to the other movies, I really don’t have much for this one. It was a really fun ¬†adaptation of Alice in Wonderland. Like, for reals. This movie had bigger names like Colm Meaney, Kathy Bates, and John Cleese ¬†— bigger than your standard SyFy movie. In this series, Alice is a judo instructor, the notorious White Rabbit is “Agent White” (who looks a lot like if Tron wore a big rabbit head helmet), and Hatter is just pretty darn adorable. The disco casino soundtrack is even cool and fun.

 

So give it up: what are your favorite cheesy TV horror/sci fi movies?