Twas the Night Before….

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house

Not a creature was stirring, not even my spouse.

The stockings were hung by the chimney with flare,

In hopes that a parent would put shit in there.


The children were nestled all snug in their beds,

Without a clue of the coming dread.

You see, they were naughty, horrible brats

And something was scurrying about aside from the rats.


When out on the lawn something landed with a splatter,

So I sprang from the bed to see a sleigh shatter.

Away from the window I flew like the Flash,

Tore open the door and down the stairs I dashed.


The moon glinted off the crimson-stained snow

And highlighted the carnage spread out below.

When, what to my horrified eyes should appear,

But the disfigured bodies of zombie reindeer.


When a hunched, withered driver stood up with a lurch,

I knew who it was by his bundle of birch.

It was old Krampus, you see, and not Saint Nick,

So I barricaded the house and a weapon I picked.


“Stay in bed, little ones, Mommy is fine!

Wake Daddy and send him down with the wine.

Lock your doors, little angels, and close your ears,

Try and forget what you may see down here!”


The door knob twisted and the house creaked,

So I loaded my shot gun but I didn’t speak.

I stoked the fire until the flames grew bright,

Anything to increase my chances of surviving the night.


And then, among the sparks, I heard on the roof,

The prancing and stomping of a desiccated hoof.

As I drew in my breath and turned around,

Ashes began to cover the ground.


Despite the fire and the heat,

Krampus showed he wasn’t so easily beat.

He burst into the room with a mighty roar,

So I unloaded a clip but his cape only tore.


With horns on his head and a tongue like a fork,

I found myself heaving up Christmas Eve’s pork.

He was covered in fur and carried thick chains,

Which he clanked together without any strain.


He carried a squirming sack that smelled of death,

But that was nothing compared to the creature’s foul breath.

He spoke not a word but looked all around,

For my children who were not making a sound.


I reloaded my gun and took careful aim,

But he shrugged off the bullets and made me feel lame.

“I’m taking the children,” he said with a growl.

“Not on my life,” I screeched in a tone most foul.


I opened the liquor sent over from Spain,

And on Krampus’ head I made it rain.

I doused the wicked beast from head to toe,

Then proceeded to light up my foe.


He howled like a wolf as his skin melted,

And out of my gut a terrible laugh belted.

The coarse fur singed and stung my nose,

but the heat from his burning body warmed my toes.


Once he stopped writhing in pain,

I chopped up his body and dealt with the stain.

I took care of the reindeer and the torn-up sleigh,

Before the morning sun rose on Christmas day.


After drinking the wine and eating the cookies,

I slid into bed for some late night nookie.

I defeated the winter demon so I was quite the sight,

But I got my Christmas wish until morning’s light.


Merry Christmas! Happy Hanukkah! Merry Whatever day it is you’re reading this! Happy New Year!

I’ll see you guys next year <3

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