I’m sure I’m not the only one who’s ready to pummel, beat down, bury and salt the earth around the year that was.
2016 has been particularly tumultuous on many fronts, but that doesn’t mean you can’t start the New Year off on the right foot.
Not sure where to start? This handy-dandy list of resolutions is exactly what you need to create a strategic plan of attack that will help you slay 2017.
1. START WITH A CLEAN SLATE
The easiest way to forget the year that was? Purge your inner demons.
Nothing will hinder your progress more than dragging that excess baggage with you into a new year. All your past ills have a funny way of making you a little green around the gills, even when you want to leave them behind.
But, even if it takes the will of a couple of men of the cloth, with a little determination you too can possess the skills to expel all the negativity and move forward newly cleansed.
2. SHED THOSE EXCESS POUNDS
Did you over-indulge over the holidays? It’s easier to get back on track than you think.
All it takes is an unexpected run-in with your local mystic. Just sidle on up to him, let him whisper a few sweet nothings in your ear, and the pounds will start to melt away.
Don’t be shy about bringing your loved ones along for the ride. It’s always easier to lose the weight when you have a support system, no matter how reluctant they are.
3. SPEND MORE TIME WITH FAMILY & FRIENDS
The holidays might be over but that doesn’t mean you can’t still spend a little quality time with those who mean the most to you.
Gather your besties and go on a walk through the woods. If you’re lucky, you just might stumble upon your local nuclear fallout shelter.
Climb inside, lock the door, and close out all those pesky distractions from the outside world. With the right gear, you can easily tuck in for the long haul. Just be sure you don’t throw away the key.
4. TRAVEL MORE
There’s a whole wide world out there just waiting for you to explore it. So, pack your bags and prepare for a trip you’ll never forget.
If you’re looking for a trek off the beaten path, all you have to do is ask. The locals will take good care of you.
You’re sure to meet a lot of interesting people, see unbelievable sights and be witness to a truly life-changing experience.
5. DITCH THE DEAD WEIGHT
Negative Nancys keeping you down?
Sure, it’s great to have a core group of friends, but even your bestie can sometimes be mega-bitch.
If you’re tired of hangin’ with the same crowd, you don’t have to follow the herd. Besides, who wants to spend all their time with people whose only job is being popular and shit?
My advice? Give ’em the old heave-ho, then make a pit stop at the Snappy Snack Shack, grab a cherry Slushie, pop a ham and cheese in the microwave and feast on a turbo dog. Don’t forget the Corn nuts (BQ, of course).
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
So, there you have it! After all the craziness that went down in 2016, these quick tips are sure to help you start the New Year off with a bang. So, get ready to rent some new releases, pop some popcorn and show 2017 there’s a new sheriff in town.